Your Energy **trigger warning**

 Mom,

You had been asking me to come visit you in Arizona ever since you moved into an apartment with an extra bedroom. I couldn't get there because I didn't have the money for a plane ticket. 

I finally had the plane ticket to come visit you, after you died and someone I didn't even know donated it to me. 

It was strange walking in the door with my brother for the first time. Knowing you had just been there a couple of days ago. Living there. Sick there for the previous week and a half since I last saw you in Minnesota. 

And dying there in your new comfortable recliner in front of your big tv. You're right, it was much bigger than the 50 inch you bought for me when I started my new life. Thank you for that. The tv screen was still on with the sleep screen displaying colors of hot pink, purple, and black. It added to the eerie feeling of the space.

I took my time slowly walking through each room, barely touching anything. Opening kitchen cupboards. Examining the contents of your life that was now somehow gone. I was still in shock that it could even be true. On a deeper level I was looking for you.

I found you, your energy, in the kitchen sink with the dirty dishes you didn't have the strength to wash. I also found your energy in the bathroom. Your clothes you likely wore home from Minnesota were waiting in the bathtub to be laundered, and your makeup and hairbrushes were on the counter. I also found your energy in your bedroom where you had been sleeping and with your jean jacket that had been dropped on the stool in the doorway.

I took some of these things home with me in your suitcase. I tore off the airline labels from your last flight so mine could go there when I went home from this strange trip. 

Now I use your hairbrush and it helps me feel closer to you. I laundered your jean jacket and it's waiting for me to wear soon on a cool fall day. 

I still can't fully comprehend that you're gone. But you're energy is still with me in these small ways, so I guess you're not completely gone.